INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
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Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I am also baked goods
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.