My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.