*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West