“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?