Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
my nickname in college
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.