Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.