As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.