I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Every damn time
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.