I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You Might Also Like
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
work smarter, not harder
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.