Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Breaking news:
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?