Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Every house has this drawer
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.