Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You Might Also Like
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Donating blood today to make room for more food
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.