This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
<- sleeps well with others
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
FRED: right
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later