me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on