I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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Tastes like chicken.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.