Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter