WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
how to market bottled water to dads
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
When can I start eating bats again.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.