[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You Might Also Like
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.