Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.