Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.