Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.