I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.