I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.