The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway