can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.