I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Gods work.
the #horror is real!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that