*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.