[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Room with a view.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?