The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
asked my bf how work was today
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.