Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I drew y’all a little something.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
How I like cutting carbs
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle