My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I’m crying im so happy for them
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer