I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
We need more people like this.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
blocked.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok