Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.