15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan