When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Welcome
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.