Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.