I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Lmao 🤣
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.