“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
When he asks for feet pics
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.