her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
what it’s like dating me:
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I need to get some bricks…
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you