Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
You saw nothing. I am ham.