Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Not😆🤣
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE