My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too