God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium