I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]