Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”