I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
You Might Also Like
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.