me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.