*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
TEETH IS INNOCENT
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”