Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.