First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up